10 Things I Hate About U...of A

1. The total lack of realistically priced parking. The university is the size of a small city, and with all the mandatory ‘extras’ we pay in our tuition, there is absolutely no reason why the university can not accommodate students with substantial parking at economical, student-friendly prices.

2. The campus itself. As Albertans, we live in sub-zero temperatures 8+ months of the year. Several of these months fall within the school year. So will someone please explain to me why Arts students are stuffed into random classrooms all over the bloody campus, and given a mere 10 minuets to dodge bleary-eyed colleagues, engineering students with no social grace, blizzards, hung-over HUB/Lister occupants, retarded first-years AND the never ending campus construction as we run across campus to get to a second class? A campus that is roughly a quarter of the size of Manhattan with at least a third of the income should fucking well be able to come up with a heated, underground brother to the New York subway to be able to get to the imminently -to- be- condemned buildings that we Arts students are expected to learn in.

3. The employment of bullshit, off-the-boat profs who don’t speak a word of English, yet get offended when students are unable to communicate in clicks and whirrs.

4. The bullshit requirements for an Arts degree. Have I mastered the basic functions of the common calculator? Yes. Will I apply a semivariogram in my future career? Hell no. I can figure out tax, balance my chequebook, create a schedule, add tip, and even create a feasible budget. So why the fuck do I need to understand the basic principles of thermodynamics? How the hell does this have anything to do with an individual who is pursuing a career that stems from an Arts degree?

5. The curve. All grades are ultimately a result of university-demanded, prof-induced smoke and mirrors, anyway. Why bother creating a hostile environment with the inherent competition of the curve, while simultaneously asking ALL students for ‘University support and donations for the 2008 campaign”?? Go to hell. You already took enough of my money and made me hate my colleagues.

6. The jaded profs that get off with phrases like, ‘Yes, I realize that you just wrote your third 15 page paper with 37 peer-reviewed secondary sources in 24 hours. But your margins on page 12, paragraph 3 were 2.75 inches wide, and MLA demands a 3 inch margin. So you get a zero.’ What is it going to take to remind these profs that we are ultimately paying them?

7. The employment and academic acceptance of self-centered, academically perverted, undergrad-detesting, and inherently incompetent T.A’s. There is no applicable reason in this Universe why any T.A should be able to get away with email replies such as, ‘I am too busy writing my thesis to help you.’ And there is absolutely no excuse for a 6-week marking turnover. If you plan to devote your life to being a Prof in this fashion, perhaps you should take a look at yourself and realize what a shitty TA you are, take a pack of razor blades and expired pills, and make Darwin proud.

8. The fact that they can put man on the moon in the last century, but in this current one, cannot come up with a mall that supports any monetary exchange with the exception of primitive cash. Despite the fact that the university is willing to bend you over and anally rape you with tuition, they cannot provide outlets in HUB to accept Visa, Mastercard, AMEX, Debit or first born children. Though the latter option might be taken a little too seriously by the first years who occupy Lister. ‘No, your filthy unwashed bastard child cannot pay your tuition, but it will get you a 2 for 1 deal at Avenue Pizza. Be sure to bring your punch card next time.’

9. The pretentious assholes who occupy every good seat in the Powerplant, RATT, HUB, Humanities, and every other Arts-related hangout. No, you have not read the complete works of Foucault, you have no fucking idea what Derrida was ‘really’ saying, and you have no idea what Neoimperialism, Post structuralism, or Orientalism actually means. See my above advice for useless T.A’s and follow suit.

10. The hassle that is Beartracks, Bearscat, Web CT and every other bureaucracy-related fucked up, bullshit design that the University comes up with to ‘make our lives easier’ but in reality takes twice as long, is constantly unavailable, reports incorrect grades, responses, and provokes me to write these exact rants.


I invite all my U of A friends to join the fray. What 10 things do you hate about the University?

Introducing today's procrastination tool...

1. What do you wish you had been named? Something that rolled off the tongue easier than ‘Keltie’. And that I wouldn’t have to repeat seventeen times when I introduce myself.

2. What is the nickname most people call you? Kelt

3. Do you plan to change your name when you get married? Yeah, but only because I don’t like what Fisk represents.

4. If you could become any age you wanted, right now, what age would it be and why? 25. It’s acceptable to have a career but still watch cartoons.

5. Why is (insert your favorite color here) your favorite color? RED! Because its vibrant and stunning.

6. If your first choice of careers doesn't work out, what would you choose as a "backup”: Yeah, I had better figure that out realllly quick.

7. What holiday could you easily do without? Family day.

8. Assuming you have a crush on somebody, what is it exactly that you like about him/her? If you don't have a crush, what is the one quality that the person absolutely has to have? Well, I have a pretty big crush on a certain someone. And I love his sense of humor.

9. What singer or band can you imitate the best? Is there a band named Dying Cats?

10. If your life were a book, what genre would it be? What about it's rating (G, PG, etc)? Fiction/comedy. Rated R for bad language and graphic nudity.

11. Do you worry about finding your soul mate and getting married? Nah.

12. If you could choose how to die, how would you? Of old age.


13. If you were the opposite sex for a day, would you have sex with somebody of the same sex that you used to be (ex: if you're a girl and turned into a guy for a day, would you have sex with a girl, and vice versa for guys), and why/why not? I would have sex with a girl, because I’ve always wondered what sex feels like for a guy.

FAVORITES
Type of chocolate: Bountiful.
Eye color: Green
Dog breed: Any puppy at all.
Period in history: 16th Century
Word to use when you want to sound smart: ‘clearly’
Candle scent: Green Apple
Method of communication (in person, telephone, etc): In person, over java
Language: One that I can understand, preferably.
Famous painting: Nighthawks by Edward Hopper
Weather: Sunny with a slight breeze
Summer activity: Drinking on the deck
Winter activity: Skiing
Computer game: Riven!!
Boredom-buster: I’m never bored.
Newspaper comic: Man, I have no idea. It’s been a loong time since I read the paper.
Section in a bookstore: Mystery
Sex/romantic scene in a movie: The brief moment in Gone with the Wind when Rhett rescues then promptly abandons Scarlet, but before he leaves her, he grabs her and kisses her. I like that she’s feisty enough to try and fight him off, but eventually submits. It’s a good kiss.

OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW (NOT JUST YOUR FRIENDS)

The one you can stand for the longest amount of time: Geoff
Wears the funkiest socks: Chelsey
The activist: Jessica
The most boy (or girl) obsessed: Shaun
The horniest: See above
The one who you wouldn't care if they disappeared from the face of this earth: Penny. In fact, I would like to remove her from the earth myself.
The best musician: Mike
The overachiever: Chelsey
The worst taste in music: Carissa.
Needs a life: Christine. She works too much.
You absolutely couldn't live without: Geoff
The best singer: Mike . He’s incredible.
The most expansive vocabulary: BARB CARTER...(and then me)
Has the niftiest house: Again, me.
Has the prettiest handwriting: Kari Trogen.
Talks way too much: Chelsey
The one you truly worry about: Jesse
Never gets sick, damn them: Chelsey. Unless milk or meat is involved.

EITHER/OR
Elvis or Madonna? Elvis.
Green or red? Red!
Sci-fi thriller or trashy romance? Sci-fi all the way!
Martial arts or yoga? Yoga. I like to be bendy.
Lollipop or Hershey's Kiss? Today, lollipop.
When you sleep, bedroom door open or closed? Closed, always.
Jacket or sweatshirt? Sweatshirt.
Particularly Jordan’s Hurley hoodie. I stole it 2 years ago and play dumb when he asks for it back.
Radio or CDs? CD’s.
Recliner chair or cushion on the floor? Cushion on the floor. I’m odd that way.
Bunk bed: top or bottom? Top
Handwriting or typing? Typing.
Chicken Soup: the book or the food? Neither.
Ballet or jazz? Jazz

IMAGINED SITUATIONS
1. If babies could talk at birth, what do you think would be the first thing they say? “What’s with all the screaming?”

2. If you could read minds, would you enjoy knowing what people were thinking, or would breaching their privacy bother you? Would you consider it a burden to know everyone's innermost thoughts? I would totally love to read everyone’s minds. And no, not a burden so much as a source of creepy power.

3. Do you think you could survive in the Middle Ages? I would probably do better there then I do here, actually.

4. If you knew as a little kid what you know now, what one situation would you choose to do differently? I would say, ‘No thanks, I don’t smoke.”

5. If you were given the choice to know exactly when, how, and where you would die, would you choose to know? And if you did choose to know, would you try and cheat death?. Nah, I like the element of surprise.

6. If you got pregnant (guys, just play along) before you were ready, what would you do? Would you ask your parents for help, or keep it from them? This is the stupidest question I’ve ever read.

7. Do you think you would enjoy being the opposite sex for the rest of your life? What would be so enjoyable/hellish about it? I like being a girl, but I imagine that it would be a hell of a lot easier to be a guy.

8. If someone came up with an elixir that made you immortal, would you take it? Would I take it? Only if it was fizzy and blue. I just can’t reject a fizzy blue drink. Otherwise, no.

9. Does the thought of being a vampire appeal to or disgust you? It appeals to me more then it should, actually.

10. If you were given magickal powers to do just one thing, what would you do (besides giving yourself unlimited magickal powers)?.Invisibility, providing I could make things turn invisible when I touched them. Think about the possibilities.

11. If you could go back into history and change one thing only, what would you change? I saw that Simpson’s Halloween special. No way do I want Flanders to rule the earth. I wouldn’t mess with anything!

Your turn!